Even when I’m not writing, this blog reminds me it is here, waiting.
It reminds me it’s waiting when Mr. Brickie deposited a $30k settlement we then used to pay off credit card debt. A settlement he received after being off work for five months this year. Five months of no work. It was devastating for our family, for his psyche, for my planning. He fell off a ladder (total freak accident) and shattered his wrist. There was surgery, physical therapy, and a whole lot of fear.
It reminds me it’s waiting while we charge up another $10k in debt while he continues to be off work for one reason or another. Plus summer camps. Plus new glasses because old ones broke. No, we didn’t need to charge summer camps, but I did because it’s important to me for my kids to have a week out of the house during the summer to figure out who they are without their loving but overbearing mother.
It tries to pull me back as I sign up for another MLM that I pretend is going to make money but I really just want to break even and walk away with a bunch of awesome product like I did last time. I joined in February because I honestly fell in love with the product. I did videos. It was awesome. I’m still technically doing it but I’m not going full-force like I was a few months ago. I discovered I absolutely LOVE doing live video. I discovered also I have no idea how to edit video.
It whispers in my ear at night while I try to figure out how we are ever, ever going to be able to afford to own a house and it comforts me when I fear we may rent this particular apartment forever. It’s not that the apartment is bad, it’s not. It is great for our finances because no matter how much I hate the kitchen I’m not going to upgrade it or do any construction on it because…it’s not mine.
I think when any financial blogger drops off the map it’s because things got out of control. They are actively engaged in not doing what they know they are supposed to and don’t want to talk about it. Okay, I’m sure that is not 100% true, someone had a real life emergency I’m sure, one that didn’t come with a bunch of new debt, I’m sure. I mean…it’s possible so I’m not going to pooh-pooh the idea. Our lives, however, were thrown into a raging garbage fire of desolation when he broke his wrist. We didn’t know if he would be able to go back to work at all.
I’ve had people tell me a family emergency like Mr. B’s broken wrist is a legitimate reason to stop writing. A time to circle the wagons and go private. While part of me knows I should believe that, I don’t. I’m terribly unforgiving when it comes to getting things done. I feel I should be able to do what needs to be done regardless of side effects. I generally look for any excuse to point at myself and say, “You could have done better.” I’m a sweetheart to myself, for sure. LOL
I was so distraught earlier this year I decided to try and get on some medication for my anxiety. It all felt like it was too darn much and I was constantly overwhelmed. The first pill was bliss but the side effects were pure hell. I still can’t sleep through the night and I’ve been OFF the pill for almost four months. The second pill I tried made my feet and calves swell up so much I thought I was going to burst. I stopped taking that one and the swelling went down but the texture of the skin on my feet is still strange. I’m not sure if I’m going to try anything else. I have an appointment with my doctor next week. I’ll ask her what I should do.
I wonder how much of my anxiety would go away if I treated myself like I do my kids when they get anxious. “It’s okay to have the feelings,” I say, “But you are so amazing and you’ve done so much already if you need to rest you should walk away.”
I tried to take a break and walk away from finances but that doesn’t really work. Bills don’t care you’re tired. Due dates don’t have a snooze button. The complete lack of money to budget and plan with won’t make the kids stop being hungry or wanting dinner.
As of two days ago Monday, however, Mr. Brickie is back on a job that should last a couple of years. This means somewhat predictable paychecks. That means I can make plans and those plans are based mostly in reality and not my imagination. This means I feel like I have something to write about besides “I used the credit card to buy groceries again!”
I’m back and I’m going to blog for better or for worse and not feel one bit bad about the better because it’s silly to only feel comfortable sharing your worst and not your best. Especially since I thought we were going gangbusters and then he breaks a wrist. Like, wow, that will teach me not to get too cocky about our life circumstances, right?
A small warning, however. Things are going to get worse again before they get better. We have a destination wedding coming up that I wouldn’t miss for all the world. That means we are going to fly to Disneyland this November and it is not going to be budget friendly. More about that in a future post, of course, but if you’re totally anti-credit-card I’m going to make you cringe at least fifty times by the end of the year.
I’m so glad to be back. I look forward to getting to the end of this debt-free journey. Let’s get it on!