It’s been a bumpy friend road these last few weeks.
I’m confused and kind of sad and so I am choosing to just be in limbo for a minute because it feels like there is too much stuff in my brain to make sense of it all. I’m overwhelmed.
By now, I figure you know I’m not normal. My biggest accomplishment of the past ten years happened this week. I went shopping alone with the 5yo. I haven’t gone shopping like the normals in ten years. I did have a panic attack in the store but ignored it while saying to myself over and over, “If it is a heart attack at least I’m not going to die at home.” It was not a heart attack (which I knew already in the back of my mind) and I got home safely.
The other thing I have is a shitton of empathy. I’m the person someone calls if they’re in a bad place because I’ll let them talk it out. I’m the person someone calls if they have an unexpected windfall because I can enjoy their success without wondering what it means for me in my life.
I’m straightforward, have great boundaries, and won’t do things I’m not comfortable with. Trust me, this is great because the flip side is someone you ask a favor and they do it but then they kind of hang it over your head or bring it up as a big deal or even just feel resentful. I’ve spent a lot of time making sure I’m not that friend.
When I was discussing this new phase of the blog (I call it the “not poor” phase) she said I needed to be careful or I would be seen as a “Mark” and first I was like “10 points for awesome slang use” but I’ve been thinking about it a bit more and feel a bit odd that anyone would see me as a mark.
That being said, doesn’t it seem weird that I’m totally fine sharing about food pantry hauls and looking for a new place before I become homeless or an Internet fundraiser but I can’t find the words to talk about the raise Mr. Brickie’s getting June 1st? I can’t find the words to tell you the story about his possible post-apprentice career path.
The good things sound like bragging.
I don’t mind being schadenfreude fodder but I don’t know if I can handle being a success story.
Which makes me wonder if I ever thought this plan was going to work or if I was just convincing myself to keep moving forward so I didn’t just give up.
I’m in a really murky place. It’s not dark, I’m not sad…It’s just hard to see what’s what. I am so confused.
Maybe I’m just turning into a butterfly and this is the part where I have to squeeze out of the cocoon of poverty and damn if it isn’t a painful transition.
I really thought this blog would get easier to write as I had good things to shout from the rooftops.
Maybe I’m just a jerk and want to keep my good things a secret! LOL
For now I’m still blogging and you know what? I went through hell – I get to blog about heaven, too.