The only thing that keeps going through my mind is, “Be the present you wish to see in the world.” Because I destroy perfectly good quotes and make them into other things and that’s how I think.
I’m planning a birthday party today. I’m not sure how to be present for the possibility of 28 3rd grade children in my not-small but not-big house-apartment-space. I keep going back and forth between, “The kids will have fun. There will be cake. There will be toys. Kids are low pressure.” and, “They’re all going to laugh at me.” (Yes, the Carrie reference is totally intentional. Of course it is!)
Even if I get through this one I have two more this month. Big Sister’s in two weeks and the friends/family party the weekend in between. I might cry.
Okay, I know it sounds like I’m going off into left field, but stick with me.
In order to be present in your life, you have to know what your life IS. Some days I feel like my life now is like I won the life lottery with decent neighbors, people on the street that wave and say hello, and kindness at almost every turn. Then other days I feel like I live in an apartment and that makes me less of a life-succeess than someone who rented a house than someone who owns a house. Like, I would be happy to be present in my life if I knew how I was supposed to feel about my life, you know?
I have a great family, but I can’t afford the convenience of having a birthday party at the place with the trampolines. Is that something I should feel bad about or not give a crap about? Will the moms judge my situation? How do I make a good impression? Will I even have the chance to make an impression with a bunch of kids running in after being dropped off and running out when they get picked up?
I’m perfectly willing to be present. I just don’t know what I’m showing up to be present for. My life feels like someone else’s more often than not and I have this weird feeling I’m playing my part all wrong. (Not saying I could change, I couldn’t. That doesn’t make the feeling of doing it wrong go away.)
My choices since I have moved have been more social and I am doing my best to be the person I think I want to be, but I’m not sure if I’m doing it right.
So I guess what I’m trying to say is I am fully present but in a perpetual state of confusion.