I have been in the slumpiest slump that ever slumped.
First, though, let me tell you the amazing thing that happened to me. I am not the girl who wins contests. Cool things usually don’t happen to me. Getting to the point where I am anticipating Mr. Brickie’s check tomorrow like a lotto ticket clutched in my hand took years of research on my part and years of hard work on his. Things don’t fall in our laps.
I’m not trying to be whiny, I just don’t have that particular kind of luck. (Yes, I believe in luck. I’m a little superstitious, too.)
So two weeks ago when a friend came to my door I didn’t think anything of it. She placed an envelope into my hands, hugged me, and said she had to go. She’s in school and is a quirky person to begin with so I just roll with it when she does things I don’t understand instead of questioning it. I turned to Mr. Brickie and said, “Um, she left me an envelope and said I had to take whatever was inside.”
He gave me a look somewhere between, “Huh?” and “Is it a badger?” I’m sure I looked just as confused.
When I opened the envelope there was a note letting me know the car parked in front of my house was reliable and insured and I was to use it to take my kids to the park, library, wherever for the rest of summer. A car key slid out of the envelope.
My friend lent me her car for six weeks so I wouldn’t feel trapped at home anymore.
Can you believe that?
I smooshed all the worries and warnings that immediately popped up in my brain back into a dark spot in the attic of my mind and locked the door to keep them contained. I texted, “Thank you.” because I did not trust myself to speak. I don’t ask for help. I’m not good at accepting help. This time, though, I knew the only right answer was appreciation and thanks.
Because for six glorious weeks I have a daily reminder in my driveway that I am that girl. The one who is appreciated. The one who is heard. The one who is free to leave her house and go wherever she wants.
So far we have been to the park multiple times. The kids are thrilled and think it’s a new adventure every time. I’ve tried to go to the library a couple times but my fear at watching three kids in a library keeps me driving past the library to the park. I’m doing the best I can.
Back to Feeling Slumpy
Did you know you can feel completely drained and thankful at the same time? I did not.
It seems that even eating good quality food and sleeping good quality sleep I am still feeling just overwhelmingly blah. Happy, but blah. It’s a muffled sort of goodness that is not entirely unpleasant.
My dishes are only half done. My living room is only mostly picked up.
I feel like I’m only half checked-in to life most days right now. Is this normal for a wife who has a husband working six days a week? Is this caused by an overwhelming sense of fatigue taking care of three kids day in and day out? Or is it something more?
I wish I had a threapist that wasn’t crappy. I read an article somewhere online today about someone who was working through some issues with this ah-mazing therapist and I was like, “Where is one of those I can talk to?” I get the bad-breath guided meditation therapist that tries to trample my boundaries during the second visit. Gross. (I actually have a long list of examples much like that one. I have bad therapist luck. <– see, superstitious.)
I want to get up and put on my shoes and take the kids for a walk, but it just feels so overwhelming. At the park, I don’t get on the equipment because I’m not insane. Mr. Brickie does but I get nervous about park equipment so I stay clear. I think I need to just start from square one and pop in a Leslie Sansone video first thing in the morning and let that wake me up for fifteen minutes before coffee. Not because it’s exercise, but because it will get my brain firing and blood pumping and make me feel mentally better.
Over on Carla’s blog she introduced me to the concept of #wycwyc and at first I had no idea what it meant. Turns out it means to do What You Can When You Can in terms of almost anything. Fitting in exercise, meditation, and everything else. I think it’s another way of saying baby steps. Today I just feel like I can’t do anything. Well, except feed the kids breakfast, keep them from fighting, set timers for their turns, make them lunch, sit with them and talk to them about their day while they eat lunch, brush the youngest’s teeth while the older ones are brushing theirs, take out the recycling, figure out what we’re having for dinner (I plan the list at the beginning of the week but then based on my energy for the day I pick an easy/medium/difficult to prepare meal) supervise and help the two older girls do dishes, make sure the youngest is brushing her hair, sweep, and wait what time is it?
11:47am? Wait. It’s not even noon?
SEE. I think I’m such a lazy beast but if I break down my morning I’ve done stuff. Not all the things and not even most of the things but I haven’t done nothing and I certainly haven’t been sitting at my computer doing nothing but hanging out with the cool kids.
I guess I don’t have a proper way to how much is a good amount to do. When I ask myself, the only answer I hear back from the depths of my mind is, “More.” My mind has been known for not being super-helpful in the past but I give her a pass because she’s really good at budgeting.
Does anyone know how much should get done in a day? (Suggestions are always welcome!)