We had some chicken thighs hanging out in the fridge for a while (my “as snotty as they sell at Walmart” brand) and even though a very lovely, dear, kind, almost nun-like lady is shipping me an extra meat grinder for my KitchenAid, my cooking instincts told me this meat wasn’t going to last that long.
I decided to suck it up and just this one time use my super-amazing 2 cup chopper attachment that my KitchenAid immersion blender came with to process the chicken thighs into mush.
“Why would you be putting raw chicken into your immersion blender attachment?” I can hear someone ask. Not you, someone else. Someone far less cool than you. “Because I want to smear raw chicken on as many surfaces as possible, of course!”
I mean, life just isn’t fun without an element of danger. Right?
Oh. You probably want to know why I would be making my meat into mush in the first place. Well I was on Pinterest (I know, right?) and there was this recipe and it looked really good. You can find her Better Than Fast Food Chicken Nugget recipe here. She’s really good with a camera, too, so enjoy those glamour shots. You’re not getting that here. I use pictures to illustrate a point and so I use my iPhone camera. They’re not going to have writing on them but really, they get the point across.
After you stick the chicken thighs into the chopper they look like this:
I put some chopped onions from the freezer and some minced garlic from the fridge into each round of chicken-whirring to try and kind of, I don’t know, enmesh the flavors into the raw chicken. Also, it made it smell less like raw chicken and that’s kind of a bonus right there.
The next part is the part that all you “I hate touching raw chicken” people are going to cringe about. It’s okay. I used to be one of those people, too, until I bought non-latex kitchen gloves and now I can touch whatever I want and look like a cast member of CSI while I do.
You have to make your chicken-mush into nuggets by taking some and smooshing it into a vaguely nuggety shaped glob.
After that, you plop the little buggers into a bowl of lightly whisked egg-yolk. I do the separating of the whites and the yolks by hand, which I find super easy (especially with my magic golves of not-grodiness.) Immediately put them into a plate or bowl with a mixture of bread crumbs and parsley. (My breadcrumbs are Walmart generic and my pretty darn good parsley flakes are the Aldi brand.) If you check that link above to the original recipe she uses homemade breadcrumbs.
I don’t live in a world of homemade breadcrumbs. I bet she does crafts. I will probably construct a complete fantasy world where she lives being amazing. All because of homemade bread crumbs. Words have power.
Okay, quick interlude. I know how to make homemade breadcrumbs. It’s just the thought of even having bread that went stale or letting bread go stale. I mean, my family growing up only let bread go stale on Thanksgiving and eventually my great-grandmother was like, “I don’t have time to wait for this bread to go stale on its own, let’s put it in the oven at like one degree for a hundred hours because that will save time.” You know what saves time for me on Thanksgiving? Bags of breadcrumbs. That’s just who I am.
So now that we’ve gotten my confessional out of the way, let’s move on to the part where I slowly kill my children by feeding them fried foods in an attempt to make sure they are greasy and fat when they get older, thus making me less likely to become a grandmother too soon.
We use peanut oil. I don’t know why, it was Mr. Brickies idea. Something about a smoke point. He probably said more but after smoke point I started giggling and making “Dude, Where’s My Car jokes.” I put about a half inch into the pan. Also note I’m killing my family by using a dented nonstick pan because carcinogens or chemicals or something.
Here they are, fresh from the oil right before I pat them down to get the excess oil off. They were crunchy and sort of tasty. The salt/pepper/garlic/onion didn’t really season it enough for my liking. I thought they were mostly bland. Which makes them great for dipping, just like a real nugget. I think. I’m not sure if that’s actually the point.
Side dishes were broccoli and homemade creamed corn. It was actually leftover regular corn but I put a splash of half and half and some flour in it and no one realized they were leftovers. (I’m not kidding.) I guess maybe I’m not trying to kill my kids if I’m insisting on two vegetables every night.
Oh wait, I made them homemade honey mustard for dipping. Honey, Miracle Whip, and Dijon Mustard. (1/2C Miracle Whip, 1/2C Honey, and 1/4C Dijon Mustard). It was tasty.
Here’s a recipe rundown if you want it:
Stuff You Need
- Chicken Thighs (I think I used 2lbs. Mr. Brickie ate leftovers from everyone else. I could have used 1lb. and been fine but he’s a growing boy or something I guess.
- Onion or Onion Powder
- Garlic or Garlic Powder
- Breadcrumbs (however you want to make that happen)
- Egg yolks (I saved all the whites and am making them into scrambled half-eggs in the morning for the girls for breakfast. Waste not or you’re dumb. Or wasteful.
- Frying Pan
- Paper towels
Grind up the chicken, spice up the chicken, make patty, dip in egg yolk, flop around in breadcrumb/parsley mixture, fry it up.
Watch your kids look at you as if you were the most amazing human being in the world because you made chicken nuggets and that’s pretty much the height of human creation in the mind of the average 8 year old.
Don’t worry. This isn’t turning into a food blog. I’m just sharing what’s up while I try to formulate an update about the budget that doesn’t make me look like a giant tool and an even more giant failure. It’s coming. Soon.