I have never been good at waiting and time has never, ever been on my side. I’m pretty sure that’s either mixing a metaphor or I’m just being totally cliche, but either way it’s true.
I realized the other day my life moves quickly, opportunities come quickly, and I leave situations quickly when they do not suit me. My biggest personality flaw is being just psychic enough to know when a deal I’m unsure of is going to close or a situation is going to happen so that I can start having panic attacks exactly one week before the date.
It might seem weird that I came to the conclusion that my life moves faster than something. We all live on the same spinning earth with the same 24 hours in a day so how could my life move faster than someone else’s, right? But it does. I watch my husband do things and responses come, but they don’t come the way responses come when I do the same sort of things. It doesn’t matter if I do things for him, if they are things that are just in his life they are slower. I warned you already I haven’t been sleeping, haven’t I? Anything here that sounds off, just chalk it up to that.
Of course, it makes it difficult when I do things for both of us. The refinance of the house, for example, with it being for both of us I don’t know if it’s going to happen fast or slow or somewhere in between because I don’t know who’s clock the series of events is going to move according to. (I’ve also decided to try and end at least one sentence in every blog post with a preposition. The preposition not being allowed at the end of a sentence is an antiquated notion I do not agree with. So there.)
But the part where I’m totally unsure of the timeframe plus my panic attack early-warning-system means I know that it’s more than a week out from today because I’m not freaking out about it. Even though we got a payoff statement in the mail that I figure has to have something to do with the refinance or why would our mortgage company send it over? I need to email a copy to my mortgage broker.
Speaking of which, if you have a smartphone and want to make a .pdf using your camera, oh my gosh, Genius Scan is the best app ever. You take a picture and the app converts it to a .pdf and you can send the email with the .pdf attachment right from the app. So handy! The best part is it will send an 8.5×11″ piece of paper as an 8.5×11″ piece of paper in the email so no one knows you just took a picture. Way better than sending a .jpg and looking all unprofessional. (This is not sponsored, I just thought it might be helpful.)
But lately I’ve been having trouble sleeping and it’s tough. I am prone to the odd, minor hallucination on the best of days. So this lack of sleep is really doing a number on me. I hear things, I wake up and check the clock constantly and it’s not good. Luckily, I’m in a good mood so it’s not making me mean and crazy. I think the kids would choose for me to stay this way if they could. I’ve made cookies and sang to them and answered endless questions about how school was invented and how TV was invented and how cars were invented. I have been too sickish to do anything so they cuddle up with me on the couch and keep me warm.
But after 10pm when they are asleep and before I try to sleep there is a period of time where my brain ramps up and I begin to think of all the ways I could start over with a new business based on my current skillset. I could revamp my blog and start using categories and writing real articles that have sources and sections. I could go legit. Well, sort of legit, I’m still not sure blogging is anything but a journal that was left on a bus and picked up by an editor on a slow news day who decided to publish it in leiu of a real story.
But the ideas. Oh, the ideas!
There is a book of ideas I keep. I write down the ones that could really be something. Usually it’s something that would be perfect on a late-night infomercial. Other times it’s something that could be bigger or better than just a one-off product that would sell best to people who have insomnia.
If I could give myself one gift, it would be focus. I’m only able to concentrate on things for a certain period of time. I can design (or re-design) a blog in 12 hours or less. I can write a slew of articles or a short story in one sitting. But a sustained effort over time is something I have been entirely uncapable of so far in this lifetime. I’m still looking for a cure for that. I think it is something that will come for me in time and with practice.
Until then, I have to write down my ideas and force myself to not implement them. I need to focus on the good of the family right now. I have to resist and spend my days taking care of the kids and my husband. It’s not a chore I mind doing in the least. It’s also sort of temporary. I’ve also already been doing many of the things so it’s not an extreme change from my normal routine.
But late at night, when everything is quiet and the children fast asleep, the thoughts – the ideas – always come creeping….and they are infectious…