Two steps forward, one step back is a terrible way to get someplace. It takes a long time and requires a lot of stamina.
We celebrted the payment of the rent and insurances and then Mr. Brickie was laid off. There is not enough side eye in the world to express how I feel about that one-two punch.
Here is where things get complicated.
I know from experience the first thing to do the day after Mr. Brickie is laid off is to file for unemployment. Most of the time he is not unemployed long enough to actually use the benefit but it’s a “just in case” measure that I always take.
The tricky decision is to decide whether or not to apply for SNAP. We have an emergency fund but I’m not sure if it’s enough to keep us in food and get the bills paid. It might. Also, he might be working again soon so I’m not sure. The last thing I want is to apply and receive SNAP and then he starts working and we end up owing the state money. That would be SO bad.
The uncertainty of what the “right” decision is feels overwhelming and scary.
Will he be working? Should he apply for the job in Indiana? He can’t yet because his guy from his Local is on the lookout for local work for him now but it’s almost Thanksgiving and I’m not sure how that changes what jobs look like out there.
There is too much uncertainty.
Winter patience is not something I’ve ever been good at channeling. I should meditate or something but I want to have a plan, to know what’s going on. Even if the news is bad it’s news I can base decisions on.
On the bright side Christmas is shaping up well. I love the community I live in and they have amazing services to help families that can’t make the Christmas budget happen. Even typing that I feel like I’m such a liar because it was just a couple months ago the Mr. was working overtime and we were catching up on things. But that’s just a couple months out of the year…but it feels like it was just a minute ago.
I get just a taste of what not being poor feels like before it all comes crashing back down and reality hits and we are horribly close to where we started.
Speaking of which, it’s Thursday and the Mr. is home and that means it’s Food Pantry time. Thank you for reminding me. It’s quarter to ten and the pantry closes at ten (and is only once a week) so he’s going to make it just in time. Whew! We still have a little grocery money left but it’s far better to take what you have and mix it with pantry items because if you wait until you have nothing and then go to the food pantry it’s much more difficult to get meals together. This way the grocery money lasts longer.
Overall I think we will end up using the food pantry less this way.
We Should Be ….
Working harder, doing better, trying more. I don’t remember if it felt this way last winter but really last winter we had just moved here and everything was upside down and we ended the year feeling like we were grasping for our new normal so to have come far enough that I am berating myself for needing to use the food pantry feels like maybe a positive step?
If you’ve stopped being desperate enough that you can feel like a leech that has to be a good sign. Not in a normal, good way of course but in a twisted, backward kind of way.
It’s better than nothing?
Can you feel how hard I’m trying to be positive? Perhaps I’m only feeling this bad about everything because I’ve been sick all week. It’s just a stupid cold with a sore throat and sinus shenanigans .. nothing serious … but it’s kept me mostly down for the count and I keep falling asleep all over the house. Couch? Sleeping. Computer chair? Dozing. I’m normally not even a napper so it’s a sign that my body is trying to heal despite my best attempts at ignoring the situation entirely and wishing it away.
I haven’t been able to write this week. Being sick makes my brain all cobwebby and I can’t keep a train of thought to save my life. It makes writing impossible. I wonder if this post is going to come across all thready and loose as well?
If it does I wonder if it’s different from any of my other posts. I’m kind of all over the place in terms of thought process. Maybe that’s why it’s just us here. Of course I like it being just us. I crumble under scrutiny and the thought of a wider audience scares me to bits. This with you and me feels intimate.
I feel like I can be honest with you. You’re not an audience, you’re my friend.
Even the couple people who read because they are actively hoping I fail used to be friends and that’s okay, too. Maybe I deserve to fail. Maybe I’ve done too much emotional damage to too many people on this journey to be salvageable. Perhaps I’m like Sisyphus and once I get this boulder to the top of the mountain I will not even be able to take a breath before watching it roll right back down to the bottom. Forever doomed to feel the deep sting of failure at the moment I should be reveling in the sweet release of success.
We’ll see, I guess.
Either way I’m glad you’re with me.
I really hope he starts working again soon. I don’t really care if it’s in his home district or if he takes the $10/hr. hit and works all winter in Indiana. Either way he’s getting his hours in toward becoming a journeyman as well as getting his hours in for health and retirement benefits.
I don’t want to apply for SNAP because I don’t want to need it this winter. I want that part of the journey to be behind us. I want to feel like we’re moving forward, not back.
Unfortunately that just isn’t something I can know with any certainty right now.
Such is life.