I hear people say, “Things are going pear shaped” and I know that means something bad but how bad, exactly, does something have to be in order for the term pear-shaped to actually be used?
For example: Mr. B had an interview for this new gig, it’s going to be great, so much work. A third-party scaffolding company doesn’t come when they’re supposed to and my Mister’s start date is now Monday if we are lucky.
A secondary gig had Mr. B painting a house this weekend for a lot of cash (more than $400 less than $1000 I don’t post cash money in hand until it exists because I’m a bit superstitious) and something happened to the floor of the house and so he can’t work on that project until tomorrow. If it goes past Sunday they will work on it in the weekday evenings, but that means he won’t get paid on Sunday night when the job is done like they originally planned.
I’m doing my best to be an optimist but it’s getting difficult.
The fundraiser money is still tucked away in PayPal for the move, but we can’t even apply for places until we have a pay stub so Mr. B needs to start working because a cash painting project (if nothing else goes wrong, of course) doesn’t count. So getting a rental just became a bit more difficult than we thought it would be. Which stinks because we found a great place at a great price right where we want to be in the town we are moving to. Again, I’m not sharing yet because I’m feeling superstitious. I will say it’s a nudge over a thousand square feet, four bedrooms, and eight fifty a month. Can you imagine decent rent and my kids each having their own room? That would take the sting out of moving.
I have had multiple conversations with the kids about leaving their friends and having to make new friends. There have been tears and hugs and fear. I have done my best to make it better but how do you cushion a blow like this? How do you explain to the kids that this move might not matter at all in twenty years or it might be the moment they remember forever as the best/worst moment that ever happened and caused everything that came after?
One of the surprising things for me through this process is watching as we move the hands of fate. What happens after this is a direct result of this choice. It’s a lot of pressure because you can’t identify if it’s a good idea or a bad idea but it’s this thing that is happening and in retrospect it will be the best/worst decision for all of us and Mr. B and I will have to shoulder that burden if it culminates in something horrible years from now.
The newest job update is that Mr. B should be working on Monday. Trust me, you’ll know as soon as he is on the job because I’ll be hollering it from the rooftops.
He showed up to the job site every morning this week so even though he didn’t work he did get to bond with the foreman on the job and the guy knows Mr. B really wants to work and is ready to hustle. When there is work it will be his to do. The third party company just needs to get the stuff where it needs to be so he can climb on up and get that steeple fixed!
Here at home, I fluctuate from feeling detached and distant from everything to being way too close and feeling too much all at once. The balance in between is difficult to find. I really believe in my deep-down heart that everything is going to work out but the voices in my head tell me that I’m an idiot that needs to get a grip and deal with reality. Then the other voices in my head argue with those voices about benefits and how this is the life we signed up for and once he’s a journeyman it will all be okay. The voices argue with each other a lot.
Every day I mentally pat myself on the back for not taking my stress out on the kids. Mr. B isn’t always so lucky but even then I’m not being loud or rageful, just snappy now and then. I’m doing my best to keep myself in check because I know we are all hurting and scared right now. Even those of us *cough cough Mr. B cough cough* who don’t show it.
My only refuge is sleep. I am so lucky my sleep is not affected too often by all the noise in my head. I’ve even tried meditating but getting my mind completely empty right now is a losing battle that takes more energy than I have to give.
Tomorrow morning I’m having a guest over! A friend I have not seen in person since 2005. So long ago! I’m a person old enough to not see someone in almost ten years and we met when we were adults. It makes me feel very grown up. I’m sure at my age a lot more things should make me feel grown up but they really don’t. The fear and the uncertainty make me feel very young because adults have all this financial stuff sorted out, right? I know that’s not really true but I always believed it was when I was young so I can’t quite shake the feeling that I am not really grown until I have my finances sorted.
For now we are broke and in limbo. I hope to have a better, more positive update soon. Like I said, this is the part the blog was created for. The dark part. So even though I don’t have a lot of stuff to report and what I have isn’t great, I still need to share it so I can look back once I’ve forgotten how painful this is and remember. I want to show my kids what was going on when they were young. I want an accurate before picture for the beautiful after that I know is coming someday.
Deciding to change our lives from the ground up was a dangerous, scary decision but we did it the best way we knew how and it’s odd to be blogging during the part that I’m praying is really the darkest before the dawn.
All storms pass.